He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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