True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I want her autograph on my taint
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
