She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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