can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
