She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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