note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize