First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Randomize
