I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
