i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I am one with the molecules
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
