I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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