Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
How external is "for external use only"?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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