they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
