Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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