Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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