chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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