seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
