My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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