If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize