I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
