Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
