Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
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