____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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