i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
