I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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