Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
