My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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