does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
