youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
