Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
