I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
