No stitches, just platelets and will power
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
