What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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