I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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