This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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