It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
