dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
