I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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