My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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