I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
