If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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