I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
