I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
People with herpes should wear stickers.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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