do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
