By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
How does it feel to date your dad?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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