he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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