when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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