i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
