I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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