Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
