I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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