oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
