franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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