can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
