The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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