I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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