you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
