I think scott just propositioned me for sex
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
