I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
i think i just lost a toe
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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