My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I need moral support for this bender
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
